Sunny Side Up

Disney Dreams

kellsbellsatl — Sat, 11 May 2013 08:48:29 -0400

A couple of months ago the seven-year-old girl I nanny was visibly upset and I asked her why. Without taking a beat she said, “If you haven’t noticed, I’ve had a rough year. At least I think it’s been a year…um…but I don’t know how long that really is…but…you know what I mean.”

And I did know what she meant as much as I can imagine how it feels to be scared because your dad was suddenly diagnosed with brain cancer and now has lots of surgeries and treatments all the time. That’s all I can do is imagine and confirm, “Yes, you have definitely had a rough year, sweetie. I’ve noticed.”

During Spring break she was promised a family cruise and a trip to Europe. She. Was. Stoked! She loves to do British accents and the thought of being in a country where EVERYONE speaks that way was completely exciting to her. Not to mention Disney on the sea. Dream come true.

But she was unable to take the trip due to complications to her Dad’s health. She was very upset, but took it like a champ, spending the week with family.

Yesterday was the day. Her parents planned to pick her up from school and whisk her away for her dream vacation and I get to be a part of it.

Before we left I was tearing up. This is going to be the greatest trip of her life that she will remember for a very long time. This sweet, sensitive girl who has dealt gracefully with more than someone her age should, gets to escape for a Caribbean week of fun and fantasy. She really deserves it and I’m honored to share it with her and I couldn’t he happier about it.

P.S. I’m seeing some Mayan Ruins on the trip! Pumped for that.

Best. Week. Ever.

kellsbellsatl — Sat, 11 May 2013 08:02:29 -0400

I know it’s a bold statement and it might seem over done, but I think last week was my best week ever. Nothing too crazy or extraordinary took place per se, but the level of peace and personal satisfaction I felt was unmatched.

If I had to narrow it down to two reasons it would be friendships and work.

Starting last Friday I spent a lot of quality time with an array of friends who are like-minded, supportive, creative and just really, really awesome. I had intense conversations about the deeper aspects of life, our weaknesses and how we are moving forward to create a life for ourselves that has meaning. Lots of truth. Lots of laughs and a huge community of stellar, supportive friends.

I took an amazing course in Atlanta, where a lot of my dearest friends participated and I was able to stretch my heart far beyond any place I had before. It was amazing.

And I couldn’t be happier with my work. I love the kids I nanny so much it’s crazy. Don’t get me wrong, 12 hours a day is hard work, but it’s so fun and satisfying that even the times of mass hysteria or total exhaustion are worth it.

This week, one of the twins climbed onto the arm of the couch, jumped into my arms and said clear as a bell, “I love you soooooooooo much, Kelley!” Heart. Melted. Day. Made. Year. Made.

What I’m noticing most that I’m really excited about is joy in the ordinary. I used to think I needed some crazy circumstances to happen to find happiness. I’m sure to have an exciting life, but I love experiencing joy in the simple day-to-day occurrences. It truly is fulfilling.

I’m feeling really fortunate and I encourage you to experience the joy where it lives - in whatever it is your experiencing right now.

Six Reasons Why You Should be Yourself

kellsbellsatl — Thu, 09 May 2013 13:23:00 -0400

I took this amazing awareness course intended specifically for singles over the weekend and it was truly both an eye and heart opening experience. As I’m decompressing from the course and integrating into daily life I realized everything I learned is applicable to all relationships, not just romantic partnerships. So, I’m here to sell you on the idea of being completely yourself, on all levels in all kinds of relationships, because it’s really too costly to do it any other way. Presenting: Six Reasons to Be Yourself.

1. Not sustainable not to be. It takes a whole lot of energy to show up for different people different ways in order to gain acceptance and it’s very hard to keep that up for any length of time. It’s so much easier to relax into being yourself. That takes hardly any energy at all because there isn’t really any trying in that, there’s just being.

2. Freedom to choose. When you are constantly putting on your best face for everyone you don’t really discriminate when it comes to doling out your energy. I know when I’m in that kind of space I want everyone to like me so I give everyone everything I’ve got. But if you really have value for yourself and what you have to offer, you get to chose where you place your energy. You don’t just give it away because you’re aware of the rareness of what only you have to offer, plus you’re generally not as needy so you don’t jump on the first things that make you feel good about yourself.

3. You get real relationships. Sure when you don’t give everyone what they want people may start walking away, but those aren’t the people who you really want in your life anyway. The people who flee are most likely the people who are using you for something and when you stop giving it to them they disappear. In exchange, when you live in your authenticity your life is full of real relationships and people who genuinely respect you as a person. You can’t beat that.

4. Insight into your true motivations. If you take the time to notice those who are around you most, you may be able to see what roles they fill in your life. Perhaps this can give you insight into areas that need to be fortified within yourself. Building that inner strength is part of truly embracing the You within.

5. Insight into your core being. When you notice yourself surrounded by people who bring out your true nature, take a mental note of what you love about all of these people. They are a reflection of you. What you see in them in what you also hold inside.

6. You feel better. It never feels better than being true to yourself and having a deep knowing that you are honoring yourself in how you express yourself in the world. It beats faking it any day.

Photo

kellsbellsatl — Sun, 05 May 2013 07:47:55 -0400

I've been a shitty girlfriend

kellsbellsatl — Fri, 03 May 2013 10:16:00 -0400

I’ve reached the part of my journey where I’m dealing with two things on a consistent basis: truth and acceptance. Luckily for me these burst of awareness and insight have been popping up all over that place so I haven’t had too dig so deep. However, I can’t control the rate and what is coming up so it’s felt like I’ve been bombarded with all of these aspects of myself I’ve been blinded to for years.

The biggest revelation besides becoming my mother is that I have been a shitty girlfriend.

My psyche has been prepping for this singles course I’m taking at the place I do all of my awareness training and I’ve really been investigating all of my past relationships - and there have be A LOT. A whole lot.

If you would have asked me a week ago if I was a good girlfriend I would have responded with an exuberant, “YES! I’m the best girlfriend in the world!” but man, have I been shady in the past in ways I haven’t been willing to look at until now.

I have only flat out cheated once (kissing someone when I was 17 when I was in a long distance relationship, but the person I kissed turned out to be my boyfriend for 3 years so I always found it justified), but I have a rap sheet of questionable offenses such as: keeping people on the back burner while in a relationship, hooking up with other guys during the “gray” beginning or ending phases of previous relationships, dating two people at the same time (on several occasions) while either flat out lying or leading the men to think they were the only men in my life to name a few.

Granted, these offenses were mostly done during my youth when I was flopping around trying to figure out how to be in a relationship - but I find it important to really own up to these actions. Not in a way to beat myself up - because gratefully I haven’t taken it to that place - but to understand myself and how I handle relationships so I can grow, learn and mature to call in the sustainable relationship I really desire.

I started tracing the offenses back to the root causes. Almost every case stemmed back to fear. Fear of being rejected, acting out pre-emptively to solidify the next thing as the other dies a slow and painful death. The darkest and loudest feeling associated with past relationships that is still very current and real is the sense of being used.

I allow myself to be used on so many levels. I have to put on this identity that doesn’t quite fit to even tolerate the feeling, but at the end of the story a lot of these questionable actions came from low self esteem that allowed me to buy into the illusion of seduction leaving me to feel even worse at the end of a relationship than I did at the beginning. Oh, and lest we forget the proving. Constantly offering myself up to prove that I’m worthy of affection.

Like I said, I’m in a hard core truth seeking mission. I WANT to see these things. I WANT to connect the dots. I don’t want to beat myself up about past transgressions, but I want to see them for what they are - learning experiences that when grouped together shed undeniable light on conduct that I wish to disable - which is a long winded definition of acceptance.

Becoming what I've fought against

kellsbellsatl — Thu, 02 May 2013 14:11:00 -0400

If I’m being completely honest (which I am on this blog more than maybe I should be) - I started this whole path of self discovery for two reasons. First, to transform my relationship with my mother into something more healthy and genuine. Second, to prevent myself from becoming my mother. It’s so scary to even write that because reading those words must be the most hurtful thing a mother could read, but I’m sharing truth here so there it is.

I’m not saying my mother is a bad person or bad mother - she’s neither of those things - but I was fearful of being enveloped by her and spit back out a clone. I was literally born out of her body, an extension of her, on her birthday. I’ve always felt this desire to fully claim myself outside of my mother’s metaphorical womb.

I haven’t seen my mother in probably three years. There was no huge fight or a specific issue, but as I get into is a previous post I needed to stake a claim to a life of my design and I didn’t know how to do it under her influence.

I was seeking, fighting, learning to make sure that come hell or high water I would NOT, under any circumstance follow the patterns of my mother’s life at the expense of choosing for myself.

After the third weekend of my annual course I learned one shocking thing loud and clear: I AM MY MOTHER.

Fuck! I have already become what I was pushing against! Maybe this also explains why I have been dating various aspects of my father for 15 years.

It is all so clear. I can run down a check list of examples spanning from career choices, to romantic relationships, even to moving away from my mother to NYC. Hook, line and sinker I have relived an eerily similar story with a different cast of characters.

Here is the good news: I can see it now. I can now operate under the assumption that almost all of the time I unconsciously conduct my life as my mother. The patterns of my lineage run deep and strong, but with awareness comes the opportunity to choose differently.

You may be thinking, “Now, Kelley…really? All of the time?” and I know it’s hard to accept, but through deep contemplation and various experiential exercises I have really been able to witness how strong mother and father patterns are in my (and really everyone’s) life. Most people aren’t interested in investigating, but it’s kind of like now that I’ve caught a glimpse, I can’t put the tooth paste back into the tube.

Additional good news is that since I have chosen similarly to her and have found myself in similar situation I have a TON more compassion towards her and why she made the choices she did. It’s like I’m sitting in her seat and can honestly say that with what she was given, I probably would have traveled many of the same roads she did - because I did.

I’m learning that is is highly, HIGHLY important to forgive and have compassion for your mother, especially as a woman. As a representation of your feminine mirror, reflects how your view yourself. I am really hard on my mother, very judgmental of her choices and hardly forgiving. Flip that around and it doesn’t sound too differently to how I relate to myself a lot of the time.

After three years, this is my first deep exploration of this relationship and what I’m discovering is truth and what I’m striving to gain is complete acceptance of myself and the woman who raised me. It may take a lifetime, I just don’t know.

21 Things I'd Tell My 21 Year-Old Self

kellsbellsatl — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 06:55:00 -0400

My youngest sister is turning 21 today and the best gift I can give her is my wisdom that exceeds hers by almost 10 years. So Jackie, this is for you: 21 Things I’d Tell My 21 Year-Old Self as my learnings to maybe make a couple of things easier for you than they were for me. I love you with all of my heart and there isn’t another soul on the planet quite as precious as yours.

Question everything. Not in a “damn the man” kind of way, but be curious about your conclusions and beliefs. You don’t have to change them, but just make sure they are actually yours - from your brain and conscience.

Tell the truth. Even if you think people don’t know you’re lying they sense it. Even if they don’t sense it, you know. Your integrity, whether you realize it or not, weighs heavily on your self-esteem. If you don’t tell the truth for the other person, tell it for yourself.

Stop dieting. Educate yourself. First of all, you’re beautiful. But diets are silly. Educate yourself on food, nutrition and where all the stuff you put in your body comes from. Knowledge will evoke sustainable change which will improve your health and body image.

Purge toxic people. You are too kind to keep people around who don’t make you feel wonderful about yourself. In this case quality is much better than quantity. The sooner you eliminate negative forces in your life, the sooner you will truly love your life.

Keep your promises to yourself. Live up to your expectations. Only you really know if your living your life to the fullest. Don’t let yourself down. You are worth your best.

Cry more. Crying isn’t weak, it’s cleansing. Embrace times of sadness and express them. It’s the only way to really clean your emotional house.

Don’t do anything permanent (except tattoos). Do not get married. Do not have kids. Do not buy real estate - for a long, long time. You will be very different in 10 years and want very different things. Give yourself the freedom to explore fully who you’re becoming.

Follow what ignites your soul. If it causes a burning deep inside your soul, if it makes your squeal with delight, if it makes you jump out of bed in the morning…DO IT. No matter what “it” is, hang on to those things and fill your life with them.

Experiences are worth more than new clothes. Don’t waste your money on silly, trendy things. They are going to end up in a donation bin and you’ll have nothing to show for it. Spend money on experiences that will last you a lifetime and help you gain wisdom.

Don’t worry. I promise everything will work out. It always does. When things get tough, that’s ok, you will make it through.

You are stronger than you think. There is such greatness in you that you haven’t even unearthed yet. You have it in you to gracefully work through anything life throws your way.

Don’t give it up so fast. You are sacred. Everything about you is, so don’t give yourself away in any regards for crumbs. Know you are worth a lot. A whole lot.

Forgive. This lesson will take a lifetime, so you should start today. Let go of grudges and free yourself from the burden of resentment. It only hurts you.

Learn the lesson the first time. Life has a funny way of repackaging the same gnarly stuff and delivering it as new over and over again. If you seek the lesson in every experience, you won’t get served up the same stresses multiple times.

Create your own definition of success. Don’t have success measured in terms of the traditional paradigm of money, power or status, but decide what tone you want for your life - how you want to feel on a daily basis - and use that to filter your decisions. Create your world.

Don’t stick it out. If you have any red flags, or uneasy feelings about a boyfriend GET OUT. Trust yourself and instinct and don’t stick around because of guilt or obligations. You’re too young to not be happy in your relationships and someone else will show up in time.

No one knows what the eff they’re doing. This is true almost 100% of the time. In the workplace, in life, pretty much everywhere, average people are giving their best guesses as to what will actually work. No one knows anything for sure, so don’t feel bad if you don’t have a clue either.

Don’t drink so much. I’m not sure anyone has ever said, “Oh my God I’m so glad I got wasted last night!” Drink. That’s fine. But don’t over do it. It’s one of those things that can silently sneak up on you and then you’re old and off track.

Fuck fear. It’s the #1 thing that stops people from living - fear of death, fear of failure, fear of success to name a few. Don’t let fear stop you from anything. Get that fear off of your back and try everything.

Enjoy the process of growing up. Savor every minute of your life, even the hard shit. It’s all beautiful and every experience is being woven into the fabric of your person. Don’t wish your were older. Don’t long for the future. Enjoy today.

Don’t avoid things. Avoidance causes unnecessary fear and worry. Face conflicts, uncomfortable situations, bills - whatever - right when it comes.

Will the dating fast continue?

kellsbellsatl — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 09:41:00 -0400

Today is the last day I’ve committed myself to my dating fast. After the course I’m taking this weekend, I may extend my contract with myself. I trust that I will sense the right thing to do and I will keep you all posted.

I’m really proud of the work I’ve been able to accomplish in the past 95 days. If I’m being honest, the last two weeks have been the absolute hardest. Past heartbreak has resurfaced for me in a major way (maybe I will be able to blog about it soon) and really forced me to confront some possibly very dark unconscious motives and patterns.

The weeks leading up to my retreat weekends are always the loudest and the hardest. As I’ve mentioned before, things bubble up to the surface to get skimmed off during the weekend, so you don’t have to dig so hard while you’re there.

During my fast so far, I’ve really grown a ton. I’m not afraid of being alone. I actually very much enjoy being with myself as much as I have. I’ve been really diving into my own interests, reading a lot of empowering books, studying an energy work and healing modality and developing brand new relationships with like-minded soul sisters.

I’ve also been studying some psychology to help train me in how to be the best at my job as possible.

Oh, and baths! Lots of baths! And music and oddly enough no alcohol.

Not that I’m a huge drinker but I’ve had one beer in all this time, not with the intention to completely stop drinking, but it seems when I invest heavily in myself what doesn’t serve me kind of melts away.

I’ve been really deeply focusing on me. What program keeps running out the same story in my reality over and over again? What parts of myself am I fortifying with male attention, that I really could be strengthening with some self love?

I’ve also adopted and unofficial sponsor. A wonderful friend and bad ass woman who works at the center where I do all my awareness training (who’s husband planted the seed for this fast so it’s fitting!) has really given me such irreplaceable love, support, care, guidance and just room to share all the gunk that’s been moving through me. Seriously, she’s my secret weapon.

Actually, y’all should thank her for being a sounding board and sparing you from some crazy and confusing blog entries.

Women, I highly recommend a dating fast if you find yourself in a broken pattern when it comes to male relationships. Just taking care of yourself, facing your fears and giving yourself the room and permission to independently prioritize your life is the greatest act of self love and care I can think of.

I would make sure you have support, be it friends, a therapist, a guru…someone. If you’re not resourced I’m not sure how you can really succeed in this. Plus, you need to build your power posse since dudes aren’t going to solving your issues anymore!

Much love!

Recommended reading:
The Spiritual Rules of Engagement
A Return to Love
Calling in the One
A Woman’s Worth

Step mothers

kellsbellsatl — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 10:18:00 -0400

It takes crazy amounts of strength to be a step mother.

Women should be called step mothers because they’re stepping into a role that’s highly needed.

They step into the lives of men who are tattered and torn from the aftermath of failed love. They breathe new life and hope into these men, giving them a safe place to open their hearts and believe in true love again.

They step into the lives of children with broken homes who are often initially ungrateful of their presence, unaware of the gift that was bestowed on them.

The children gain another person who loves them like blood. They also gain a more complete father. If they’re really lucky they’ll gain brothers or sisters who will show them a new dimension of love.

The step mother gains a challenge.

I was a challenge. My step mom came into my life when I was about 4 and I’m willing to guess I wasn’t overcome with gratitude. I was a bright kid who knew how to manipulate.

I remember crying extra hard when she brushed my hair even though it didn’t hurt that bad. I recall running up and jumping on my dad who was laying on the couch when I heard the key turn the lock - claiming him as mine.

Adolescence wasn’t much smoother. There was friction. I didn’t know where to place her. I didn’t know what her angle was. Did she really love me or was I just the bonus of a buy one get one free bundle?

It wasn’t until well into my 20s I really learned what a blessing it was to have an extra set of ears, who understood my history, who knew all the players and could grant me wisdom and guidance.

It wasn’t until I started to view my step mother as a woman, rich in experiences who had depth and love that I started to fully understand how fortunate to have her in my life.

She cared for my father, the most important man in my life. She raised my sisters who are my heart and bring me so much joy. She offered me her love, not out of obligation, but out of a place of care and grace.

I’m sorry it took me two decades to fully appreciate my step mother, but now that I do I have many more decades to enjoy her and to let her know how lucky I am to have her in my life.

Happy birthday to my beautiful step mother. Thanks for sticking with me while I was a brat. Thanks for supporting me through my phases. Thanks for taking such amazing care of the most special people in the world. Thanks for your generosity of spirit and open mind. Thanks for trying so hard, even when I was too naive to give you the credit you deserved.

You’re irreplaceable. I love you.

Alternate Easter

kellsbellsatl — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 11:01:22 -0400

From my understanding (after 13 years of a Catholic education) Easter is celebrated to recogize Jesus rising three days after he was crucified in order to cleanse the sins of humanity.

No longer Christian but spiritual in nature, I still believe this is a beautiful day to celebrate. If we are lucky, as humans roaming this planet we have several incaranations in a lifetime. We shed bodies and identities that no longer serve us. We experience death, illness, hardship and heartache to ressurrect into a new iteration of ourselves. Hopefully we emerge closer to our soul nature that will bring us straight to God in the way that Jesus ascended to heaven.

This Easter take some time to think of the ways you’ve been crucified, or ways in which you’ve crucifed yourself. Consider ways parts of you have died. Ways in which you have transformed. Ways in which you have figuratively risen from the dead.

As unintuitive as it may seem, be grateful for the purposeful suffering that enabled you to revinvent yourself, connecting even stronger with the you you truly are meant to be. Transformation is a blessing and today it s great reminder of the awesome power of the human spirit to continually regenerate.

"We as women are trained to see ourselves as cheap imitations of fashion photographs, rather than..."

kellsbellsatl — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 15:55:35 -0400

“We as women are trained to see ourselves as cheap imitations of fashion photographs, rather than seeing fashion photographs as a cheap imitation of women.”

- Naomi Wolf

Feeding time

kellsbellsatl — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 14:45:58 -0400

The twins I nanny have taken on the arduous task of learning to eat with a spoon and fork instead of their hands. I’ve been drilling them with the stab and scoop combo, we’ve tried both hands just in case one’s a lefty and we’ve explored lots of other techniques. Even if the food gets on the utensil it makes it to their mouths with a 67% success rate. The remaining 33% of the time they are utterly frustrated, as anyone would be. They’re freaking hungry, damn it!

Today I presented them with mashed potatoes and I thought it’d be a sure fire winner. The food by nature clings to the spoon, giving them every possibility to succeed. I was mistaken. Mashed potatoes kept falling from their spoons as they yelled, “I need help!”

I couldn’t help them that second as I was loading the dish washer. Suddenly, things got quiet. “They’ve finally figured it out,” I thought.

And they did. Just not the way I expected.

The girls were taking turns feeding each other. Without having to guide the food to their own mouths they easily succeeded at extending their arms forward and directly into the mouth of their sister.

They went back and forth feeding each other while proudly saying, “sharing!”

Theoretically, if the girls were left alone they could’ve gone hungry trying to feed themselves, but by extending their own food to the other they feasted.

What an amazing and beautiful illustration of life! How often do we metaphorically starve and struggle alone? How many times do we hoard things for ourselves out of fear that there’s not enough?What would happen if we all focused on feeding our brothers and sisters, while allowing them to feed us? We’d never go hungry again.

Furthermore, the nature of children is more congruent with our truest selves. So if these toddlers organically solve problems by sharing and helping one another, that’s probably how humanity was intended to coexist.

This way of being isn’t utopia, it’s innate. We just all have to remember the way we were.

I actually caught the moment in the photo above.

Get it on, bang a gong

kellsbellsatl — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 23:09:00 -0400

One of my awesome, new soul sisters (this is what I affectionately call like-minded female friends who are into all the awareness work I’m into) invited me to a spring equinox gong sound bath tonight. I’m actually still kind of buzzed from it. I was so altered after the experience I took the train downtown by mistake and just wound up walking most of the way home.

Neither of us had participated in an event like this and had no idea what to expect. Basically, it was facilitated by a gong master who was an older man with long white hair and a long white beard. He looks just like how you would expect a gong master to look. Tonight they were graduating their first class of gong students and this was their final presentation.

We all laid on yoga mats and tried to get as relaxed as possible as the music was being created.

I thought it was going to be a calm, gentle brain massage, but the experience was anything but.

My brain was literally raging with vial thoughts. Usually when I have negative thoughts they’re directed at me, but this time I was having crazy bad thoughts about friends and loved ones. Notions I’ve never really entertained until tonight played on repeat. Over and over these horrible thoughts came storming into my consciousness.

I tried to let them float through my brain without attaching to them or beating myself up about the mental chaos. Eventually I had enough and started repeating my intension for the evening while holding each one of the beads on my new, tiger’s eye necklace to gain some sense of regiment (can’t take the Catholic out of the school girl. This practice is kind of like saying the rosary).

After about an hour the gong ceased and the gong master addressed the class. He asked how many of us were there for the first time and 90% of the people raised their hands. When he inquired about our experience no one came forward to share.

He then mentioned that it was OK if we had a lot of negative thoughts and emotions arise. It was as if he spoke the thought of the room. Many others, including my friend, had similar experiences to me and were afraid to talk about the negative feelings in public.

He mentioned sound baths were often a cleansing of the root charka where a lot of negative and earthly thoughts and emotions are associated. The vibrations loosen these pieces, mentally brings them to the surface and clears them. So my negative thoughts dissipated into the ether through the vibrational frequencies of the gongs. Pretty amazing.

It was such a relief to hear him validate my experience. Honestly, if he didn’t say that I would’ve walked on of the class feeling like a complete ass.

I’m not sure if I’m going to participate in gong baths on the regular, but it was certainly something interesting to try. I’ve really been enjoying my new exploration. Not every shoe fits, per se, but I love test driving to see what may stick.

kellsbellsatl: #note #loveyoself #encouragement PS @sharpie...

kellsbellsatl — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 18:23:29 -0400

kellsbellsatl:

#note #loveyoself #encouragement PS @sharpie pens rock. #sharpie

From me but posted on my old blog. XO.

"Follow the truth path: constant revelation."

kellsbellsatl — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 18:20:09 -0400

“Follow the truth path: constant revelation.”

- Kelley Hagen adapted from ReUnion text

"As children, we were taught to be ‘good’ boys and girls, which of course implies we were not that..."

kellsbellsatl — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 18:08:19 -0400

“As children, we were taught to be ‘good’ boys and girls, which of course implies we were not that already. We were taught we’re good if we clean up our room, or we’re good if we make good grades. Very few of us were taught that we’re essentially good. Very few of us were given a sense of unconditional approval, a feeling that we’re precious because of what we are, not what we do.”

- Marianne Williamson

(via unconditionedconsciousness)
My favorite author and speaker. She’s amazing.

Maybe you're my husband

kellsbellsatl — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 11:35:31 -0400

As part of this dating fast I’ve taken detailed stock of my dating history like a detective collecting clues to solve the great mystery. I’m trying to figure out some kind of common thread or pattern.

There are some obvious similarities. For instance, every guy I’ve dated since 2004 (yikes) is a musician and passionate about music. Almost every person was pursuing music professionally in some format or another. Even if it wasn’t their primary income it was their primary passion.

I have to say typing this out makes me feel weird. Like I was unconsciously profiling these guys. One of my guy friends recently asked, “Aren’t you out of your musician phase yet? Most girls get over that pretty quick.”

Apparently not.

On a deeper level in romantic relationships and friendships with men I am very drawn to dark and depressed men. One close guy friend in high school actually committed suicide when he went to college starting a trail of best guy friends and romantic relationships with men with a propensity for past or current emotional and depression issues.

They have all been genius, hugely talented and very kind hearted men, but there is always the undercurrent of darkness.

As I was editing this blog and listening to Alt-J in the background and the song Ms. came on. I wasn’t activity listening until the chorus repeated: Dark seeks dark. As a uber enthusiast of synchronicity I take this as a message. Maybe my historic pattern of rejecting my own darkness lends to an attraction to darkness in others. Just something to ponder.

So I’ve identified a bit of a type: dark, depressed, genius artists (handsome, too - I’ve had luck with that).

It’s time to entertain a new genre because obviously this strain hasn’t been successful for me.

I’ve designed a little exercise for myself as I’ve identified my need to broaden the scope of what my potential husband could be like. Admitting it publically makes me feel a bit silly, but I think it will help.

As I’m roaming the streets of New York, or the airport or wherever, when my eyes scan the crowd of people and land on a man - no matter what he looks like, what age, what race - I smile and say to myself, “Maybe you’re my husband.”

Do I think the 60 year-old, gray haired retiree is my demographic? Not at all, but it’s just an exercise to attempt to rewrite my psyche to the plethora of ages, shapes and sizes my potential partner could be in order to break the attractions to one type of man.

I have to also think as I keep transforming internally, my taste in men will also transform, but this is a small daily practice that supports my goal.

I’m an eternal optimist, creative, heart-centered, spiritual woman who is mindfully expanding herself on a daily basis. I’m looking for a partner who mirrors that and that hasn’t necessarily who I’ve been inviting into my life. Maybe this exercise, in combination to all the other aspects I’m exploring will help. Or maybe it will just have every guy I lay my eyes on thinking I want to marry him. :)

Single folks, take a look at your dating cycle. Maybe somehow you’ve also been limiting who you date based on unconscious criteria.

Hey Jealousy

kellsbellsatl — Sat, 16 Mar 2013 12:10:00 -0400

We all know the feeling when you discover for the first time that someone you were in a relationship has a new partner. It’s just yucky. At least it usually is for me. Kinda like a punch to the gut and this surge of panic courses through me.

A few weeks ago someone I was dating recently told me he has “found someone” and then proceeded to tell me things about this other person - specifically how she had something in common with a certain symbol that was very special to me personally and significant between me and my ex.

My first reaction was to scream, “Wait! That’s my thing! That’s our thing!”

I wanted to be happy for him, but I also didn’t want to know anything about his new partner. It hurt too much.

Now it’s been several weeks and it’s mostly off my mind, but I get twinges of jealousy here and there. But these twinges feel different.

When I really dig around for the origin it became clear this is a new strain of jealousy. In the past I’ve been jealous and possessive over men and it’s because I want them to still want to be with me. Even if we both know it’s not in our highest good to be together physically, I still want them to wish we were together. Twisted. I know.

But this time senses different. I don’t want to be with this other person. I want him to be with someone who suits him and will usher him into his next phase of relationships. I don’t want him to be pining for me when his future is so promising. I love him too much for that.

It came to me the jealousy was really a sense of: why does this person get to move on with a new love and not me? Why does he get that gift so soon? Why not me?

I am jealous that he has someone and I don’t.

This sounds absolutely crazy because I am ACTIVELY NOT DATING. I’ve put an intention out there to be with myself for as long as it takes to detox, break patterns and heal, yet I am jealous of my ex’s relationship just because he has one.

I’m grateful for my emotional and physical body for always giving be such strong indicators that there’s a block keeping me from moving forward. To me it shows I need to sink even deeper and trust more in my inner knowing that not having a relationship right now is truly best in the long run.

These egotistical twinges are part of the old way, the compulsive need to be filled by another. They are a good reminder of places that need a little extra attention and healing every so often. The awareness is a gift. The tendency is human and working through these blocks is what I’ve sign up for.

I'm Not Her Anymore

kellsbellsatl — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 10:00:00 -0400

The mother of the seven-year-old girl I nanny (Amanda) wrote a deeply moving entry on their family’s blog that provides updates for close friends and family. She described a conversation she had with her daughter about cancer. The entry was so well written and describes her daughter’s loss of innocents due to her father having this illness in such an eloquent way it moved me to tears.

At one point Amanda told her mother that she knew that cancer kills some people. When her mother asked if she was scared about that, Amanda replied, “Not anymore.” Since it was an unexpected response her mother said, “Not anymore?” and Amanda replied, “I’m not her anymore.”

Wow. When I read this exchange my heart sank. This little girl who just turned seven has a clear understanding that she no longer has the luxury of being a scared, little girl. This experience has already caused her to reach for a deeper bravery and she recognizes she is not the same person as she was 10 months ago when her father was diagnosed.

“I’m not her anymore.”

Yesterday I kept hearing this over and over in my mind.

“I’m not her anymore.”

To tell you the truth, I’m not her anymore either and it took a seven-year-old to remind me.

This situation has changed me. Since meeting this family and committing to this work I am no longer the same and there are parts that I’ve struggled with, too.

This is real life. I find myself in front of friends talking about dating, work situations, conflicts with best friends and it’s really hard for me to have the empathy and insight I once had. I want to say, “Who cares!?!?! It’s not a big deal! People are sick. Kids are losing parents. There are starving children in Africa!” (That last one isn’t funny, but it’s one people use a lot).

I don’t mean to belittle their issues, just a few months ago these were issues I would blow their cell phones up about. But, I’m not her anymore.

It’s just something I’m noticing. Maybe this is just one of the darker parts of this experience and I will be able to return to chit chat and be supportive no matter what is plaguing my friends. But as of now, I can’t remember that person and when I try to show up in that way it feels fake.

I’m not her anymore.

It's a tough day

kellsbellsatl — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 14:22:00 -0400

I’m really sad today. Most days I’m pretty strong and hold my own, but today I can’t help but see the pain and weariness on those around me - people I deeply love and care about - and I can’t quite hold it together and tightly as usual.

The father of the family who employs me is having his third craniotomy Monday about a month after his last one. When he got out of the previous surgery everything came up roses. It wasn’t a reoccurrence, there was no increased vision damage (as they operate on his occipital lobe) and the surgery ran as smoothly as possible.

However, no one really celebrated.

Was it good news? Certainly. But it was a sense of winning a battle of a long, drawn out war.

Now this motherfucker (pardon the language but that’s what it is) is back again so soon, before anyone in the family has fully recovered from the last one.

What I’m witnessing, I think, are the cumulative effects of a violent illness. The father physically hasn’t recovered from the previous operation and I don’t think anyone has psychologically and emotionally recovered either.

These aren’t passive people. His wife is as smart as it comes and is ferociously seeking all avenues no matter how novel they seem. But it’s too much. There is too much ground to cover in all areas.

What do you do when everything is urgent? How do you sacrifice any of it?

The seven-year old angel I nanny had to be told they couldn’t take their family Spring Break trip because of another surgery. It is evident the mounting circumstances are hitting her, too. It’s seeping out in writings, artwork, conversations. My heart breaks for her. It’s tough seeing her grow up too soon.

There isn’t really a point or moral to this entry. I just need to air this out.

Today is just a heavy day.

Cancer is exhausting on every possible level. It forces you to make the most difficult choices one could ever face in a lifetime. It effects deeply everyone close to you.

I guess where my growth has come is the ability to note the pain and upset and allowing myself to feel it and not punishing myself for feeling sad. I know it will pass. I know it’s a justified human reaction to my surroundings.

Again, prayers are welcomed.