Homesick for the Past
I was really, painfully homesick over the weekend. Everything that even remotely reminded me of home, or my friends made me cry like a baby. I called my oldest guy friend, blubbering about how much I missed him and loved him. I was about two minutes away from booking a ticket to Atlanta where I could be safe.
Everything in New York felt really lonely and hollow. Anxiety kept rising in my chest until I felt a grip around my neck. I just wanted to be around people who really knew me and loved me.
It takes a lot of energy to build relationships in a new place, especially for someone like me. Maybe it’s because I’m a Scorpio, but I like to really go deep with people when I’m forming a relationship. Small talk is not my expertise. I personally only get fulfillment from meaningful connections.
The worst part about the experience is how hard I was getting on myself. I’ve noticed a pattern that whenever I am less than content, I try to chase the feelings away. In the spiritual journey you hear so much about mantras, replacing negative thoughts and the like that when I’m upset I feel like there is something wrong with me.
I called my friend Jill who is one of my favorite people on the planet. She said, “You don’t have to explore every feeling and bad day. Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel bad and know it’s OK.”
She was right. This is something I tell people all the time. No emotions are bad, you just need to experience them and then let them go, so that’s what I practiced.
I decided not to go home for a visit. After reflection it just seemed like I was running back to a safe place to escape my discomfort.
It senses that my loneliness is a longing for the old life I left behind that I haven’t truly recovered from. Sometimes I have one foot in the past and one in the present and as both places drift further and further apart I fall into a split that I’m not quite limber enough to pull off without pain. I’m working on fully committing to the now while appreciating how my past got me here.
The call with Jill spurred on an even better idea. Instead of going home to reconnect I’m going to visit her in Santa Monica. I put my feelers out to other close friends in the vicinity and within an hour I had a trip to Joshua Tree with a close college friend to visit another good friend from Atlanta added to the itinerary. Thank goodness for this outbreak of tears because it’s leading me to an amazing trip!
I do feel like my soul needs to connect with old friends, but for some reason it’s not the right time for the familiar faces and places. I need to go back home when I want to, not because I need to.
I’m hoping that an adventure will be just what I need to reconnect with myself and friends while realizing that loneliness really is just an illusion and the present I’ve created for myself is just where I need to be.
Take some time to see what you are holding on to from your past that is causing you pain in the moment. Try to exercise complete gratitude for where you are while honoring the past and see if you can find peace.