Eight months ago I hit the reset button on my life. Looking back to November, there is literally not one aspect of my life that is the same. Not my zip code, job, relationship status, nothing. More than the tangibles, I’ve finally started to step into the person I’m meant to be and this blog is a piece of that evolution, so thank you for sharing this with me.
Despite what people may tell you, there is a magic bullet for transforming your life. It might sound crude but I made my mantra: Fuck Fear and I committed to it. In my experience if you don’t commit to fucking fear, fear will continue to with fuck with you until you’re beyond recognition.
I’ve been studying the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles, which has been a completely transformative experience. One of the primary concepts of the book is that every action, choice and thought can be boiled down to coming from a place of fear or a place of love. Those are the only two options and they both cannot exist simultaneously.
I was completely operating from a place of fear in every, single aspect of my life.
In the deepest part of myself I knew my romantic relationship wasn’t serving either of us anymore. But I was so paralyzed with fear I couldn’t summon the strength to leave. I was afraid of losing the emotional connection. I was afraid of being on my own. I was afraid of how I was going to identify myself outside of the context of this couple that had become my life. I was afraid of permanently emotionally crippling the person I loved most in the world by leaving. I reeked of fear.
Professionally I was completely lost. I was afraid that I would be able to find a balance between meaningful work and income. I was afraid that my rag-tag professional life would make people judge my status. I was afraid that I would never, ever be happy.
I was most afraid of being myself. I wasn’t comfortable sharing these new-aged philosophies and completely reinvented worldview. I was so afraid, and I still am, that people will think I’m absolutely crazy with these notions. I’m afraid people will think I’m pie-in-the-sky and not grounded.
Pretty soon there was so much fear rattling around in my head I had a complete and utter breakdown.
I literally found myself day after day and night after night audibly pleading with a God I didn’t even know existed. “Please, God,” I begged, “take this off of me. I cannot handle feeling helpless anymore and I need the strength to pull my life together.” I would cry hysterically, begging for the strength to take control of my life.
By what I can only attest to as a miracle, something shifted inside of me and I could no longer tolerate my life. I had a clear recognition that I needed to fuck all of this fear and take a stand for myself. It was time to fight for my life and that’s what I did.
Now I have a completely new life, but most importantly I have a completely new perspective. I am nowhere near perfect, but I am certainly enjoying the process and I feel in my core that I am on the right path. Continually I’m identifying the places of fear and I’m eradicating them and if I can’t let go of fear in the moment, at least I identify it so it can’t hide out anymore.
I’m telling you all that fear is poison. Worse than poison, it’s an illusion. Fear isn’t real. It’s you ego mind playing tricks on you to keep you small. It’s an infuriating realization, which is why I say, “Fuck fear!”
It’s time to take a fearless inventory of your fear. Are you not trying something new because you’re afraid to fail or be judged? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you afraid to be loved?
Take a few minutes in solitude this week. Write at the top of the page, “What I fear that you’ll see in me is…” and let it flow. Get all those nasty fears on the page. Once you witness these fears, they start to lose their hold. Maybe just for this week make fuck fear your mantra and see how it feels.
Photo: Sister Louisa’s Church of the Living Room & Ping Pong Emporium, Atlanta GA